Mid 30ies and still single – why?

This is a very personal blog post again. If you follow me on Instagram you probably see my regular posts and stories on the topic but mostly there is not enough space to write everything I would want to. Being a long-term single is almost a part of me now, hence I am talking about it so much.

First of all, I did not decide to be 34 and still be single. I always wanted to find a partner, get married and potentially have kids. This is not a “must” for me because I can also be happy with someone without having children. If it happens – great! If not, I am ok with it, too. But since this is even further away than being in a partnership at the moment, it does not really matter anyways and I do not think about it too much. I love children and I am very happy to become an aunt soon – I will be very content in this role.

I am now in situation though where I am quite happy with myself most of the time. Of course I sometimes wish I had someone by my side. Someone who shows me that he loves me, supports me, is just there for me. Someone I can go on adventurers with, make memories, try new things where I am currently too scared of doing them alone. And obviously it makes a difference to know someone is there who specifically really cares about you! Someone you could wake up in the middle of the night if needed. Someone who helps you when you need help with something. Just someone who is ALWAYS there for you. However, I do not need a partner to be happy, to feel complete or because I need to have someone to take care of me or whatever. I am quite capable to live my life as it is – as an independent woman.

But because I have not actually decided to be single, it hurts a lot when you read comments on social media from random people who say things like: Maybe something is wrong with you. Maybe it is your fault. Maybe you are doing something wrong. Maybe you are not capable of having a relationship. Maybe you pick the wrong men. Maybe your standards are too high. Maybe you are too picky.
Or hearing from friends who have never been single for a longer time things like: It is not all great being in a relationship. It’s not always fun. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts. It must be great to meet so many different people and just have fun.

DUH! Honestly, I sometimes want to scream at them: Are you f***ing joking me?

But how did it happen that I have not find “the One” yet?
A few sentences about myself first. When I really love someone, I have no eyes for someone else. If the person I love, rejects me or does not love me back, I do not just fall out of love after a few weeks – no… it takes me months at least or like with my first love – almost 2 years. This is one of the reasons I could never jump from relationship to relationship. To even call someone my boyfriend would take a lot from me and if this then does not work out, I cannot just forget about him and ignore all the feelings I had. It will be forever a complete riddle to me how people can be in a relationship for let’s say 3 months, then break up and 2 weeks later they have a new partner. And to even find someone so quickly again that they feel comfortable with and to spend so much time with. To say “I love you” after a few weeks will never come across my lips either. Saying I love you is a very big step for me. I can be in love or fancy someone enormously but LOVE is different kind of level for me. And for me as an introvert it is even more challenging to get that close to someone.

However, the other problem I always had is, that I trusted too easily. When someone was only one bit nice to me, paying me compliments, giving me attention – I instantly fell for them when I was younger. And that led to a lot of disappointments and being hurt. While studying in Cardiff I had a thing with my friend’s flatmate and he made me think he really liked me. At first I was not interested in him at all but was actually flirting with his best friends… I know… not my best move. However, he was so persistent that one night after partying, I went home with him. I then learnt he was actually dating another girl. He was then actually in a relationship with her while still trying to get into my knickers. Today, he is married to her and has a kid. I don’t think he ever realised how much he had hurt me and how small I felt that he played me that way. This was the first bigger scar I took on.

After I returned to Germany and started my first job in Frankfurt I did not really feel confident to date anyone and was quite intimated by the city and all these people who were so completely different to me. Loud, outgoing, confident and it was all about status and showing what you have. A few months into my job, a colleague from our London office moved to Frankfurt to take on a role as team leader. I remember so well how I was completely thunderstruck when I first sat opposite him in a meeting, where we all got to know him etc. This proved to me that love at first sight does exist. He was originally from Scotland and is now actually living in Glasgow again. It soon became very obvious to everyone that I fancied him and we actually became friends. We went out for drinks or the cinema or I was even at his place to hang out. But he did not feel the same. And I was ok with just being close to him as friend. However, I never knew if he was dating or meeting other girls. And then, on a team night out, shortly before he was supposed to go back to the UK, I had too much to drink and actually cried in front of him, being sad he was leaving. He then told me, that he just did not want a girlfriend in Germany when he knew he would be going back to the UK. Later the same evening I was waiting for the train home with one of my male colleagues and we talked about our Scottish colleague leaving. And he said: It will be hard for him and his girlfriend.
I completely froze. My heart sank. I thought I was going to be sick right on the platform. It turned out he was seeing a girl for months who he had met on a client meeting. I was so furious, I did not even say goodbye to him the day he left. I regret that today but I was so disappointed, hurt and angry. It was the last time I saw him though. We did start to have contact again one year later or so and I actually apologised to him how I reacted. But he never apologised to me for lying into my face. I made an attempt to meet him in Glasgow last year but because he never really showed much initiative from his side, I left it alone in the end. That was the second big scar.

Shortly after he left Germany, I moved back closer to Cologne for a new job which I changed again after 6 months and moved to Cologne completely. The summer before I moved, I met the best friend of my friends’ now husband. It was only one evening but for some reason he came up again in a conversation later in the year I had with my friend and she arranged for us to go on a date basically. This was shortly after he had broken up with his ex girlfriend. I met him for dinner in Cologne and it was a nice date to get to know each other a bit more. After the first date we arranged to meet again to celebrate Karneval in Cologne together as a second date. And until today, this was the best date I ever had.
We met at his place, had some food and then went to town to party, together with another friend of him which was totally fine though. He was always making sure I was ok, took my hand and later dancing in a club – we kissed. At the end of the night he made sure I got onto the train alright and we soon met for a 3rd date afterwards. We met again at his place and just hang out and kissed and stuff. I really thought we were going somewhere with that. But he was still like a leader in the German army and had to go on a training course for 4 weeks or so. And I suddenly did not hear from him anymore. Like he literally ghosted me. Two months after our last date, my friend told me then, that he was back with his (ex) girlfriend and was expecting a baby which was due at a time where it was pretty obvious that he must have been seeing here while he was already seeing me… They are now married, too, and have 2 children.
That was the 3rd scar.

It took me a year to get over it and I started online dating then. I met a guy who I met for 4 dates over the course of 4 months I think. But at our last date and when we got intimate, he said a few things that put me off so much that I did not want to see him again. And then it was just a disaster. I met another guy who I was seeing for 3 months who then told me he cannot see this going anywhere and then suddenly was in a relationship with his best friend. So – don’t trust a guy with a so called best friend 😜.
Mentally I was in a really bad place which resulted in massive weight gain. I started the “Body Coach Plan” by Joe Wicks for the first time and actually lost quite a few kilos and started to feel better and did not date at all. But I started online dating again in spring 2017 and met one idiot after another. Like absolute cretins! I cannot believe that I actually let them into my life at all. They treated me like sh*t and I let it happen. Again, my mental health spiralled down and resulted in me being the heaviest ever by the end of 2017. This is because I am a massive emotional eater. When I am sad, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or have any other negative feelings – I eat. And I hardly moved because I work in an office job and drove to and back from work by car. Seeing pictures of me at the company Christmas party made me take the plunge and I started the new Body Coach plan again. This time even more successful and I lost 22 kilos in 8 months. I felt amazing. I was not dating. I was doing what I loved. Went to Scotland and Portugal and the idea of moving to Scotland grew in my mind which I put into action later in 2018.

About 3 weeks before I was due to move to Scotland I started using Bumble (another online dating app) and met a guy who was a Royal Marine. We chatted every day and arranged to meet as soon as I had moved and settled in. We also spoke on the phone and he sounded very nice and someone who was really interested. He was based in Rosyth at the Royal Marine base but had a house back in Lancashire where his dad also still lived. I knew he would need to travel a lot for his job and told me he was seeing his dad regularly because he was ill. I think we met after 3 weeks that I had been living in Edinburgh then. We went to a pub in Leith and actually kissed already when he dropped me back home. However, it was getting difficult to meet already because he spent all his weekends in Lancashire and only had time at some evenings during the week. We only met two times afterwards and the whole story went from February till early April. I was getting quite annoyed that he never made time for me on a weekend, that I hardly heard from him when he was away and that’s what I told him. At the beginning he kept telling me that he tries to better himself blabla but obviously that did not happen and then, when we were actually about to meet on a weekend, he cancelled and said he had to go home to see his dad. The next day his WhatsApp picture was gone. I text messaged him why he blocked me and he answered he did not block me but that he was at the hospital because of his dad. I actually apologised for being dramatic and said he should let me know when he is ok and ready to speak. I did not hear from ever again. I tried to call him the next day and the number was unavailable and never got activated again. Until today I have no idea what really happened. Why he just ghosted me and if it was all true about his dad or if he may not have had a wife and kids back in Lancashire. At one point I was even questioning his name.
Scar numero 4.

I got back into online dating again, met another guy for a few dates who then ghosted me as well. Got to talk to guys on Instagram who were no better in lying to me about their actual life. Met another guy via Tinder who had some serious mental issues and was just way too crazy… No idea why I was into him. Did not last long anyways. I had one last date with a Tinder guy in October 2019 and then I had enough.
Enough of the lies, the false promises and absolute pathetic behaviour all these men were showing towards me. I am not an easy person. I know that. I do want a lot of attention and reassurance which I think is understandable after the experiences I made. But I am never nasty for no reason or controlling or anything like that. I would do anything for the person I love and who I am with. I actually think I am too nice and men had it quite easy with me in the past – too easy. Like I said, I trusted too easily and I fell for someone too easily. But not anymore.
I am done with this nonsense.

If someone would want to date me, wants to get to know me closer; they would need to do some serious work for it. They have to show me and prove to me, that they are honest about it and worth my time. I do not need a partner to be happy or to feel fulfilled. I want a partner by my side as a PARTNER – like the word says. Making life even more enjoyable together but certainly not harder.

I have also already heard people in relationships saying things that almost diminish singles in a way that you feel like a lonely pathetic human-being. Only because I don’t call every men I date my boyfriend or say “I love you” after two weeks, does not mean I am not capable of having a relationship.
I already said it in one of my posts on Instagram – a lot of the things I achieved in my life especially in the last two years, the adventures I have been on – it is all things I probably would have never done if I would have been in a partnership. If I had met a long-term partner in Cologne, I don’t think I had ever left Germany. And I love my new life here and all the things I am doing and get to experience. And I have plans for my life that I look forward to.

I know people are saying: You will find the right person. If you stop looking, they will find you – Bla Bla Bla. This is mostly coming from people that are in a long-term relationship or never experienced to be single for more than 6 months…
I know they do not mean it in a nasty or patronising way – but honestly, this is just bullsh*t. It was never easier than nowadays to meet so many people due to social media. I would not have any issue with “meeting” someone online and then get to know them personally in the real life. I met some amazing people via Instagram already. I could meet a 1000 men a week via online dating and Instagram, if I would want to. But that is not my goal. I find it actually sad if this is all you want in your life – finding a man.
And to be honest, after all these experiences, I am done running after a man and I am actually afraid to open up to someone before I know he is really interested in me. So for the moment, I am not dating and do not wish to any time soon. Because every time I did not have a men in my life – I was happy 🤣. And with the current restrictions it would be too much hassle for me anyways. Maybe next year again…
It would need a real mind blow of a man to come along and change my mind at the moment. And by that I do not mean a super hot or handsome bloke. Of course physical attraction is important but I do not even have a type really. I fall for personality. How someone treats me. How they show me what I mean to them. If they can laugh about themselves and make me laugh. They need to be grounded, independent and have ambition. I want to find someone who enjoys the outdoors, loves going on adventures and explore new places. But at the same time is happy to just chill on the couch, cook something together (or I cook and he eats 😂 totally fine with me). And he needs to be kind, honest and respect feelings. Empathy is also a big thing for me.

However, to all you single ladies and also single men in a similar situation: You are fabulous and worthy exactly as you are. You do not need a partner to have great life. It is YOUR life and you should live it the way you want. If you want to date every week – do it. If you want to wait for the right one to spend your time with – that’s totally fine. Do whatever you love and do not be afraid to do it alone. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want and with whom you want. You do not need to ask anyone for permission. Enjoy! 😁

One thought on “Mid 30ies and still single – why?

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience with us! I can relate in my any ways. I was in my 30s when I married and had kids. Now I’m in my late 40s and single again (for a few years now) and couldn’t be happier about that! Every day I’m grateful for my freedom and solitude. I enjoy my own company. I love who I am as I am. Even my quirks and idiosyncrasies, some of which can hold me back from doing things I want to but I have the freedom to work through those things without the pressure, disappointment and oppression of not meeting someone else’s expectations, or being punished for just being me. Being single isn’t a disease and those who are afraid of it likely have deeper fears at play. Best of luck to you on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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