Thoughts

… because it’s almost the end of the year πŸ˜‰ And a possibility to post more pictures πŸ˜€

I am not even sure how many actually read my posts. I don’t feel it is that many. For me it is almost like a diary on here, to keep the memories about my trips and also to make notes of places and accommodations I either want to visit again or stay at again or even recommend to others. That made me already think about writing like a guide for someone – a woman to be precise, who likes to travel Scotland on her own. I have been quite lucky with most of the accommodations I stayed at this year and on my trips before my move. It is not that easy to find places for a single person without paying a fortune. AirBnB has been my biggest help to be honest.

I still do not feel comfortable to camp on my own. It is also not worth to rent a cottage if you don’t stay for a bit longer. I don’t like to stay at hostels because I do not want to share a room with strangers. I could not get a proper sleep. I will look into pods in the new year though and see if I can find some reasonable priced ones. They are also probably more useful when at least staying for 3 nights at one place.

The last 3 months have been somehow difficult for me. Obviously when you start a new adventure everything is exciting, you are so happy about all the new experiences and for me it was big thing that I had achieved my goal of moving to Scotland. But after a few months, the euphoria fades, the normal daily life stuff catches up with you and it is a tough gig when you suddenly have no big goal to work towards anymore. I do have a big goal but at the moment there is too much “disturbing” my work on it.

I am not even sure what it was that hit me so much recently, but it is taking me a lot of strength to not bury myself in my bed and just cry and not care about anything. My weekend trips are my life savers to be honest. I can just be myself, do whatever I want, go where ever I want and just let go. No one who judges, no one coming up with something, no one wants something from you, no one is expecting anything. I can just be me. I can just have some peace and enjoy the beauty of nature around me.

I am not the most extroverted person, so it is not easy for me to get to know new people. I am scared to approach someone to meet up. I don’t have anyone really close here yet to spend time with, which makes it difficult, too, sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I had put up a post in my story asking if anyone was out on the weekend with their camera and were happy to have some company. And no – it was no attempt to get asked out on a date :p. I was beyond the moon when Claire from Scotlandwithfluffywolf messaged me saying she is up at Loch Earn and would be going to Drummond Castle Gardens if the weather was nice and would be happy for me to join.

I wanted to meet her and Sally, her Samoyed, for quite a while. I have been following the account on Instagram and was hoping to stumble over them on one of weekend trips. Funny enough I learnt Claire does not even live far from me here in Edinburgh… But I felt too intrusive to just ask to be honest… This is me – I am shy and I have real difficulties to ask someone for something straight. I know by doing that I am missing out on opportunities but it has always been difficult for me to approach someone. It got much better since I work in recruitment and was forced to speak to strangers but it is still something different in my private life.

So I am very glad Claire approached me. I headed up Lochearnhead Saturday morning with a stop at Callander and a walk to the Bracklinn Falls. They are beautiful in autumn. Me and Claire messaged to meet at the Drummond Castle Gardens but when I expressed my fear to potentially get lost – which I would have if I had purely relied on my NavSat…, she invited me to have a cuppa at their cabin in Lochearnhead. On the fact that we have never met personally before and only knew each other via Instagram, I was pretty stunned by her offer and really wanted to make sure I am not invading her private space.

So I made my way up to Lochearnhead to meet her and dad. I just have no words for their hospitality. I was overwhelmed by their kindness. I was served toast with scrambled eggs, soup and tea. And Sally is just the cutest thing ever. You can cuddle her all day long and she happily licks your hands in return. I had a great day out with them. And I felt less alone for a change. I hope to meet up with her more often now.

My new life here had started well. I enjoyed my job, I got along very well with my manager who hired me, and whom I am forever grateful that she gave me that opportunity and basically made it possible for me to move here then. I have a nice flatmate and I was just happy to finally go out into the highlands whenever I wanted. I dated a guy – who I thought was really nice and decent. He was a Marine and always went home on the weekends to see his sick dad near Manchester. At least I hope that this was not all a lie as he just disappeared after a few weeks without saying a word and his number was not existent anymore… Can’t even say I am hugely surprised this happened to me. I’m not particularly lucky with dating.

Then my client in my job changed and I got a pretty horrible one to work for. My manager left the business. My dating life continued to suck as always and my emotional eating started again plus not working out. All the hard work I had done last year to loose 20kg has gone out the window. I am not back to my weight of January 2017 but pretty close, which is making me really sad.

And unfortunately I don’t seem to be much luckier with Scottish men :p. Or it is just generally my awful taste in men… But I am so tired of the small talk, the false promises, the “I am a good guy” talk and then they lie to your face and the “I like you so much” but actually don’t care about you at all. I just don’t get how people can get into relationships so quickly. I would never call someone I only know for a short time, dated 2 or 3 times my boyfriend? Even if we get along well. Seems like I am quite different in that aspect… I would only call someone my boyfriend when I know we both really like each other, have a real connection and definitely want to spend time together for quite some time. Maybe that is why I cannot find someone :D.

I really hope in the new year I can finally actually settle completely. I do not regret my decision to move to Scotland at all. It feels more home to me than Germany, even though I miss my parents. I hope to move to a place for myself, out of the city, I hope to make more friends, find like-minded people to go hiking, hill walking and out with the camera – I should get one first :D. I want to get back into a routine of exercising and stop eating so much shit… And maybe when my head is in the right mindset again I meet someone who likes me for who I am with all my quirks.

2 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. You are such a lovely person and you will find some friends soon πŸ™ I love to see how you are getting on and I am so sorry that things have been so difficult at work recently. You know where i am if you ever want to message or offload. You don’t need to be shy about getting in touch ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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